Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Peter Gammons A-Rod Interview

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Here’s the summary, in baseball terms, of the pathetic interview of “Mr. Clean” Alex Rodriguez by legendary baseball writer, guru, grand-poobah and supreme leader of the army of insufferable smug baseball snob-bastards, Peter Gammons.
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On the mound is Peter Gammons. Being a lifelong devotee of the pastoral pastime, and having long kissed Alex’s ass as the clean savior of the home run record, Peter is incapable of bringing any heat at Alex. Indeed, reeling from the potential implications of the recent revelations about Alex’s cheating, Peter is unable to raise his hand to pitch or even clench his fist sufficiently to throw a baseball. So he lobs a few underhand softballs at Alex, hoping desperately that Alex will hit a few glorious home runs and baseball will be all fine again. [You know, baseball. The same baseball that “…..has marked the time. This field, this game, is part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again”. To many people that’s just a great couple of movie lines delivered by James Earl Jones, but to people like Peter they may as well have been sweet sweet Kool Aid delivered by 'Jim' Jones]

But this is crunch-time. The pressure is on and the stakes are high. It’s kinda like the playoffs; people are gonna get knocked out depending on how Alex does. So naturally, all that Alex can muster is a few weak pop-ups back to the pitcher.

But Peter, now feeling the full impact of the realization that he has devoted virtually his entire life to touting the purity, integrity and tradition of a game that lives by the credo “If you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying”, is unable to even try to catch anything or tag Alex or throw him out at first base.

So Alex reaches first base on an error. And a bunch of people are happy that, “Hey! At least he took an at-bat and reached base! That’s got to count for something, right?”
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2 comments:

scribbler50 said...

Wonderfully written post, Stache, loved all the metaphor's.... and the Jim Jones / James Earl Jones bit. Meanwhile, that WAS a creepy interview. I'd love to see a body language specialist do an analysis of A-Rod's facial dance. And you're right, Peter never rally reached back and delivered the high heat.

I'm not much of a baseball guy since the Pirates have become a fucking farm club, and since the stratospheric salaries have made the game beyond fucking vulgar, but I have to admit that I was one of those who thought... Yeah, at least there's this A-Rod guy, clean as a whistle, who'll erase all that Bonds / Sosa / McGuire fraudulence. But ya' know what? Maybe this is good after all because it once again elevates Hank Aaron to his rightful place as true home run king. The only guy now I guess who has even a remote shot, (if HE'S clean?) would be Ken Griffey, no?
Anyway, well done post, Sir!

Anonymoustache said...

Thanks Scrib50.
I was disappointed that Gammons didn't follow up on ANY of the important questions. But, like CPP points out, that's the media for ya. It is so different from a few decades ago. They now make millions, their interests are so fucking conflicted.....It is a shame.
BTW, I hold the powers that be in baseball responsible for how far it got. It was obvious during the 98-01 HR fest that the players were juiced. The owners decided to rake in the money and looked the other way. That is primarily why I cannot care about baseball. And there are a host of other reasons---the way it is set up so small markets can't compete, the guaranteed salaries, the playoff games starting at 9 pm, the all out cash grab at the expense of the game while at the same time they prattle on about greatness and tradition and integrity--- it is an insult to my fucking intelligence.