Here’s the summary, in baseball terms, of the pathetic interview of “Mr. Clean” Alex Rodriguez by legendary baseball writer, guru, grand-poobah and supreme leader of the army of insufferable smug baseball snob-bastards, Peter Gammons.
On the mound is Peter Gammons. Being a lifelong devotee of the pastoral pastime, and having long kissed Alex’s ass as the clean savior of the home run record, Peter is incapable of bringing any heat at Alex. Indeed, reeling from the potential implications of the recent revelations about Alex’s cheating, Peter is unable to raise his hand to pitch or even clench his fist sufficiently to throw a baseball. So he lobs a few underhand softballs at Alex, hoping desperately that Alex will hit a few glorious home runs and baseball will be all fine again. [You know, baseball. The same baseball that “…..has marked the time. This field, this game, is part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again”. To many people that’s just a great couple of movie lines delivered by James Earl Jones, but to people like Peter they may as well have been sweet sweet Kool Aid delivered by 'Jim' Jones]
But this is crunch-time. The pressure is on and the stakes are high. It’s kinda like the playoffs; people are gonna get knocked out depending on how Alex does. So naturally, all that Alex can muster is a few weak pop-ups back to the pitcher.
But Peter, now feeling the full impact of the realization that he has devoted virtually his entire life to touting the purity, integrity and tradition of a game that lives by the credo “If you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying”, is unable to even try to catch anything or tag Alex or throw him out at first base.
So Alex reaches first base on an error. And a bunch of people are happy that, “Hey! At least he took an at-bat and reached base! That’s got to count for something, right?”
Wednesday, February 11, 2009