NFL Week 2 Snarks and Barks

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Green Bay at Detroit:

Jon Kitna will have a great game. Green Bay will cease to care after they hold the ball for 27 of the first 30 mins, run for 600 yds and go up by 42 points, and they’ll pull all their starters by the third quarter. Kitna will then throw for his usual 2-3 garbage time TDs. After the game, Matt Millen will sign a fifteen-year guaranteed contract extension as the Lions GM. Green Bay by 10.

Oakland at Kansas City:

Oakland's performance at home last week finally explained to me what Gertrude Stein meant by “There is no there there”. This week the Raiders find out that, for them, there’s no there in KC either. If DeAngelo Hall covers (well, ‘covers’ is a pretty strong word, ain’t it? I mean if he’s assigned to) Bowe or Gonzo this week he will give up 500 yds and 6 TDs. If he lucks out and draws any of the other receivers (who, according to the KC website are, Will Franklin, Devard Darling, Jeff Webb and Marques Hagans…..so, ummm ……yeah….) he will only give up 300 yds and three TDs. ‘Cos he’s a shut-down corner, you see.

After the game, Al Davis will fire Lane Kiffin who will continue to remain as head coach, and also pull off a blockbuster deal with Dallas wherein Oakland will give up Namdi Asomugha along with their 1^st, 2^nd and 3^rd round picks in 2009 in exchange for Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones. KC by 12.

NY Giants at St. Louis Rams:

Giants make history by becoming the first team to rush for 1000 yards in a single NFL game. Eli Manning will show improvement by throwing only 4 passes that should have been intercepted. Osi Umenyiora will be limited to only 1.5 sacks in this on account of his being on IR. Giants by 17.

Indianapolis at Minnesota:

Indy is still pretty banged up. The Vikes can run really well and should control the ball. Both teams are desperate not to start 0-2. Really tough call. I’ll say Indy wins, primarily because (as we saw last week) Minnesota is still recovering from the strain, trauma and nausea of having hosted the Republican Convention. You just can’t do that to your city and expect you football club to be healthy and energetic. But mainly, Jeff Saturday will play this week and that makes a big difference to the Colts offense. And I say Dungy figures out a way to keep AP in check. Indy by 3.

Tennessee at Cincinnati:

Battle of the repeating cconnsonnants and ssyyllaabblleess. Kerry Collins throws for 500 yds. In the first quarter. After the game, Chad Ocho Cinco claims that he can beat Tiger Woods at golf. Tennessee by 7.

New Orleans at Washington:

The Skins were strangely resilient during their beating at the hands of NYG. Even though they were being dominated, they managed to hold the Giants to just one TD. I think they are better than they look. Even though the Saints are good, and Shockey will have a big game, I think the Skins pull this one out at home. Washington by 3.

Chicago at Carolina:

I know Chicago beat Indy at Indy. But Indy was significantly banged up. Carolina beat the Chargers at SD. I just can’t see them losing to the Bears at home. Carolina rallies around the cry of "So we have a WR with anger issues but at least he aint Rae Carruth". Carolina by 7.

Buffalo at Jacksonville:

This should be a great game. Hard to pick against the Jags at home, but I just have a hunch about Buffalo this year. Plus the Jags are badly banged up on the O-line. And it is hard to win games when you cannot control the ball. Buffalo by 3.

San Francisco at Seattle:

Let’s see what I said about the Seattle game last week: “Matt Hasselbeck is an outspoken republican and a huge fan of Bush. So you know he's a fucking retard who will consistently underperform to expectations. If the Bills had a QB this would be a complete blowout. But they don’t, so it will be closer.” I checked the expiration date on that prediction and…….. it turns out that that bad boy is good through this weekend. So replace ‘Bills’ with ‘49ers’ and we’re all set! San Fran by 8.

PS: Seattle is at St. Louis next week. Let’s hope that the good people at CERN don’t run the first proton collision experiment on the LHC that day. Normally, the black holes that can be produced by the LHC should be minute, very short-lived and insignificant. But throw in the massive suckitude of the Seahawks/Rams tilt at the just the precise moment and we may end up with a cataclysmic event. Just saying.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay:

Till someone show me that they can keep Michael Turner from peeling off at least one 50+ yard run per game, I’m gonna have to pick the Falcons. OK, the real reason is that I’m hungry right now and could really go for a supreme burrito from Willy’s Mexicana Grill at the corner of Clairmont and N.Decatur. Man, I miss that place. Atlanta by 1.

And Robb, just so you’re not sore at me for picking against your beloved Bucs for the second week in a row, here’s a little Buc cheer. Just for you, buddy.

New England at NY Jets:

Per federal regulations I am required to say: Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre.

And, as of federal regulations from last week, I am required to say: Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady. Jets by 3. Brett Favre.

Miami at Arizona:

Who gives a crap? Oh wait, I have Fitzgerald and Boldin on my fantasy team, so I’ll say….. Arizona by 10.

San Diego at Denver:

LT hurt, Gates hurt, Cromartie hurt. Plus there’s a good chance SD will have some banged up D-linemen from the Broncos chop-blocking. I think I may, grudgingly, have to give this game to Denver. Not just because of all the injuries, but because of these four words: Head Coach Norv Turner. Denver by 3.

Pittsburgh at Cleveland:

This game will be closer than people think. But if you think I’m gonna pick against my men of steel, you’re crazy. Pittsburgh by 7.

Philly at Dallas:

I know Andy Reed has had Dallas’ number. But this year’s version of Barber+Jones is even better than last year’s. Dallas has too much going for them. And mainly, they are at home. Dallas by 4.

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