Thursday, September 4, 2008

Some NFL (snarky) thoughts and picks.....

UPDATE Sept 8, 2008: Dayy-yum. For someone who was drawing almost entirely on last year's knowledge, I made some pretty freaking awesome picks!! I'm most proud of calling Titans over Jags and Bills over Seahawks, even though I was a bit wrong on the latter---I said "If the Bills had a QB this would be a complete blowout. But they dont, so it will be closer"; well, the Bills still don't have a QB but it was a blowout nevertheless.
Also, Falcons over Lions was a pretty nice call methinks, as was the Bears over the Colts. Turned out the Bears do have an offensive player other than Hester and his name's Forte.
Totally missed how good the Panthers were gonna be; to be fair though, I also forgot that Norval Turner is coaching the Chargers.

The season starts today and that's great. If I can remember to mute the TV and radio for the next 4-5 months during the games, I'm gonna have a great time.

Tonight the Redskins visit the Giants.
Hmm. I used to really like the Giants. Good organization, always drafted well. And Wellington Mara played a huge role in making the NFL what it is today.
But then, along came Eli "I spewed forth from the nuts of Archie Manning so I get to be a free-agent from my first day in the NFL and I choose the Giants" Manning. The mediocre fuck managed to catch lightning in a bottle and raise his game from mediocre to borderline-adequate just around the time that the Giant defense went on a dominant tear a la LT and gang, Kevin Boss channeled Mark Bavaro and Ahmad Bradshaw channeled Rodney Hampton and Dave Meggett rolled into one. So Eli's now Super Bowl MVP. I tell myself I should not be upset by this as things have been worse---people have ridden their fortunate-sperm-itude to eight years at 1600 Penn. Ave. But I am upset, because I expect more from the NFL than I do from the American electorate.
So fuck it---I say Redskins by 7. I'm sure Tuck and Kiwanuka are super-great but without Umenyiora and Strahan they will have to work harder and longer and will be worn down by mid-fourth quarter. It is also beccause of this, and the fact that they play in the NFC east, that I think that the Giants may go 8 and 8 this year.

Update: 8.47 pm: I just started watching the second half---saw a play where Santana Moss gets hit while catching a ball, is juggling it, finally catches it, AFTER WHICH NO ONE TOUCHES HIM, and it is ruled a completed catch but he gets no advancement of the ball (which he was in the process of doing) before the play being whistled dead....WTF? And nobody seemed to catch it or care! It was a fucking first down if not more!
Anyway, looks like the jints are killing the skins. Kinda figured that, though I was hoping Eli would suck enough ass to negate the great Giant running game.

Other games:

Bengals at Ravens:
Who gives a shit?

Jets and Dolphins:
This is usually a "Who gives a shit?", but the game involves Brett Favre and federal regulations require that I cannot glide right over that game without mentioning Brett Favre. Hey, Brett Favre is Brett Favre, and Brett Favre will do what Brett Favre does.
Miami will be better on offense than before, but with the loss of (the admittedly aging) Jason Taylor and Zack Thomas I dont know if their D will have the same motor.
Jets by 7. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre.

Chiefs at Patriots:
Too easy. Pats will win by 7 even if Giselle Bundchen takes the snaps.

Texans at Steelers: Fortunate son debut alert!!!
Gary Kubiak pays back Mike "The Offensive Genius" Shanahan for all those years Mike employed him as OC of the Broncos by hiring Mike's son Kyle Shanahan as his OC in Houston.
Steelers by 10. Texans turn the ball over 15 times. Troy Polamalu gets 12 picks. Rashard Mendenhall rushes for a jillion yards this season.

Jaguars at Titans:
Man, the Jags sure are the sexy pick this year huh? But they are playing a Jeff Fisher team, so the going will be tough. I say Vince Young lays off the weed this week and plays like a stud.
Titans by 4.

Lions at Falcons:
Falcons will be better than people think this year (Turner can freaking run the ball) but that aint saying much. But then again, they're playing the Lions aka The Detroit ByeWeeks. If the Falcons can keep Calvin Johnson in check they'll beat the Lions. And just because I once spent a couple of years in the ATL, I say
Atlanta by 3.

Seahawks at Bills:
Matt Hasselbeck is an outspoken republican and a huge fan of Bush. So you know he's a fucking retard who will consistently underperform to expectations. If the Bills had a QB this would be a complete blowout. But they dont, so it will be closer.
Bills by 8.

Rams at Eagles:
The window is closing for McNabb, Westbrook and Reid. Plus they are playing in the NFC East and can't afford any slip-ups. They show no mercy.
Eagles by 14.

Buccaneers at Saints:
Tough call. Saints have upgraded and should be good. But the Bucs have seriously upgraded too. They should be feeling all the relief and energetic renewal normally felt by a long-constipated person who finally drops a massive deuce as they, at long last, cut Chris Simms. Ahh, Chris Simms---There, but for the grace of Goodell, goes Eli Manning.
Saints by 4.

Panthers at Chargers:
Too easy.
Chargers by 14, even if Philip Rivers takes the snaps.

Cardinals at 49ers:
If you didn't think the 49ers could get any worse, prepare to be surprised because Mike Martz is now their OC. Disguised for a while in St. Louis by the presence (and rational thinking) of Dick Vermeil, this is the man who single-handedly reduced the greatest show on turf to the greatest blow on nerf by marginalizing Marshall Freaking Faulk. He then proceeded to take his 'genius' offense to Detroit with predictably tepid results. Dude, the run-and-shoot doesn't work in the NFL, no matter what fancy name you give it.
Expect the entire Cardinals secondary to renegotiate their contracts after the jillion picks they get in this one.
Cardinals by 14, even if Matt Leinart takes all the snaps.

Cowboys at Browns:
You know the Cowboys are going to be really tough when their most glaring weakness is Jessica Simpson. Sure TO will stop taking his medication and Pacman will get arrested again, but they still have too much going for them. I sure hope. Cos they need to bash Eli's head in twice this year. See ya gotta stay focussed. But I cannot believe I'm pulling for the freaking cowpies.
Cowboys by 10.

Bears at Colts:
I dont know whether the Colts will win 10 games this year, but I think they'll win this one. Man, I'm so tempted to call an upset here too. Peyton Manning had his sac removed (that would be bursa sac---the only kind he had) and hasn't played all pre-season; the starting center is down; Bears QB Kyle Orton is a Purdue kid who will have uuuuge (It is an NBC night game, and we must not forget our homage to Al Michaels---great play-by-play guy but republican piece of shit nevertheless) support in Indy. Man, if the Bears just had one offensive player besides Hester........
Oh, fuck it. Just to spite the yahoos who keep insisting that Peyton "I finally squeaked out one big win in my career" Manning is greater than Tom "I won 3 Superbowl titles with slug, turtle and hydra at receiver" Brady, I'm gonna call the damn upset.
Bears by 4.

Vikings at Packers:
You know how Shawn Alexander went from MVP to 'cut' in 2 years? Well, Steve Hutchinson went from the Seahawks to the Vikings. That plus the fact that the Vikes have 2 legit stud RBs in Taylor and Peterson means that they'll have to really really fuck up to lose games this year.
Vikings by 12 even if Tavaris Jackon takes the snaps and even if the Packers put 8 in the box all night.

Broncos at Raiders:
You know how Mike Shanahan went from "Offensive Genius" to just "Offensive"? Elway retired.
Just because Al Davis shows up in Members Only jackets and stale work-out clothes, and just because he once reportedly swindled Shanahan out of several hundred thousand dollars, I'm gonna call this one for the Raiders. I got the rest of the season to hate on Al.
Raiders by 5.


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