Firstly, I need to address an issue that has gotten completely out of hand ---- that of sportscasters conferring honorifics upon themselves. The ESPN assholes, in particular, hand out titles like so much Halloween candy---Professor so-and-so, or Doctor Whatshisface, or Dean of college football etc. People work really hard to earn and retain these titles in real life, so I think it is an affront to the academic community that a bunch of yahoos yakking subjectively about sports can hand these titles out to themselves. Well, screw that. Two can play that game. So this Definitive 2009 NFL Preview is brought to you by 15-time SuperBowl champion and Unanimous-First-Ballot-Hall-of-Famer Anonymoustache. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, ‘Doctor’ Lou.
I didn’t think the football commentators’ booth could get any more annoying till I caught a few minutes of Jon Gruden on MNF last week. To think that I used to consider him a smart guy…….the fucker poached Dungy’s Superbowl in Tampa, hasn’t done shit since and his commentary explains a lot about why. I mean, do we really need him to be staring into the camera with his “I’ve been trying to pinch off this particularly obstinate loaf for 20 minutes now” grimace and proclaim, “Brett Favre creates jobs!”. Do we need this? Really? I mean, REALLY? Gruden reminds me of an old adage that says “It is better to be silent and be thought of a fool than to open your mouth and leave no doubt”. Of course, he is the genius who drafted Chris (product of neo-American meritocracy) Simms, so the signs were there a while ago. He makes me long for the drunken-frat-boy-schtick of Theismann, Mike Patrick and the other fucker, and they were really really annoying (I’ll tell you what…..Let me tell ya something…..I’m tellin ya…..You know what? I’ll tell ya…….I’m gonna tell ya something right now…..).
From what I have seen, I think Chris Collinsworth is considerably overrated and he’s certainly no freaking Madden. Let me explain that to you in Collinsworth-speak: I’m not so sure that Chris is not still the pedestrian hack that I originally thought him to be before he got all these rave reviews from the powers that be in broadcasting. When you consider that, it makes you think again. But then again, that could be because he is just really good at kissing broadcast exec ass, but there is no clear evidence either way so it’s gonna be tough to make that call, you know? I’m not sure that in the end we needed to review this at all; we could have just stuck with the call on the field which was that Chris is considerably overrated.
Al Michaels: Chris, that analysis was uuuuuuge….this game is so exciting I’m having trouble breathing….do you believe in spiracles???.....welcome back to Sunndeeeee nite footbooaall……
OK, here’s the Freaking Definitive NFL 2009 preview:
The Patriots will win. The Jets will be pretty good and will make the playoffs---the standard for rookie QBs, and the teams led by them, has been raised last year by Ryan + Falcons and Flacco + Ravens. RookQB teams now expect to win, and the Jets are solid on both sides of the ball. Plus, head coach Rex (product of neo-American meritocracy) Ryan seems to have his dad’s renegade, bounty-laying, ass-kicking and name-taking redass and that alone could be good for a couple of wins. I am excited by the prospect that the Jets will do really well and then have a minor meltdown in a game that might prompt Ryan to coldcock one of his fellow coaches. Too obscure?
This will be brutal at the top again. Baltimore and Pittsburgh are mirror teams: Tough defense, solid running game, good young QBs and some serious mutual respect+hatred. Much as my heart wants Pittsburgh to win, I have to give the edge to the Ravens this year. I think they will be a bit hungrier and the Steelers may be a bit more relaxed. Plus, Ray Lewis’ window is closing fast and I’ll bet he’d love to stand on the sidelines at the superbowl one more time with a lead and watch his offensive buddies slowly kill the clock….I mean, watch as they slowly bleed the game to an end…..I mean, when a guy has killer instinct you gotta give it to him, y’know? What, too soon? So anyway, I say Baltimore wins the division and Pittsburgh makes the playoffs as a wild card.
The rest of the preview will have to wait till tomorrow or the day after. Be sure to tune in.
In the business, we call this a ‘tease’. My sponsors are agog with excitement.
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