Tuesday, April 29, 2008

There’s a Docket on the Rocket

I'm in a weird mood, so here's a little something from Dr. Sigmund Schadenfreude(TM)
(With profuse apologies to Dr. Seuss....)

Did you ever have a feeling

that the medjock was a RedSock?

or the peejay was a Blue Jay?

or the wankee was a Yankee?

or the nastro was an Astro?

But you wouldn’t be a codger

to think that Roger is a dodger.

It was easy to dominate

the inside of the plate

when he didn’t have to face

the opposition’s pace.

Would he be so ready

an opposing batter to plunk,

if he ever had to ward off

a fastball to his junk?

Could he throw inside heat

and the chin-high splitter

if he couldn’t pass his at-bat

to his designated hitter?

Is the Rocket a guy

who’s really really cool

or is Roger just a big,

colossal, fucking tool?

Is the so-called shoo-in

to the baseball Hall of Fame

just another brick

in the cheaters’ Wall of Shame?

Would his heater still smile,

could his slider still have funk,

if he didn’t once a while

jab a syringe in his trunk?

Would his curve still have verve,

could he throw the frozen rope,

would he still have the nerve

if he didn’t have his dope?

So a Brian takes a fryin’

And an Andy takes a bandy

From a Congress that’s a-pryin’

about tailor-made candy,

But when friend doesn’t bend

and comes clean and just ‘fesses

you know that Heater the Cheater

just multiplied his messes.

The family man, Oh who

would he throw under the bus?

To save his name, to save his fame,

the family man, would he throw us?

Would he, could he, throw his wife?

Could he, should he, for his life?

Would he, did he, throw his mother?

His lawyer, doctor, and any other?

Would he, could he, throw his nanny?

Would he even throw his granny?

But if Roger thought he was in trouble

for sticking some zass in his ass,

Boy is he going to see that trouble bubble double

if the ‘family man’ was bedding a 15-year-old lass.


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Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde said...

Awesome. Hated him for a long time (as a Mets fan, it was necessary.)

I'm tagging you in advance for the song shuffle meme, but my post won't go up for another half-hour or so....

Anonymoustache said...

Interesting you should mention the Mets. My post started off as a conventional rant yesterday before it morphed into rhyme-like substance---and one of the things I'd wondered in my rant was how Roger would have turned out if, during his formative years as a pro, he'd had to face, say, Dwight Gooden thrice a night after plunking a few batters---you know ol' Doc would've snorted a coupla lines back in the clubhouse, come out with the screaming riding fastball and dusted Roger like the punk that he is. Ah, just the imagery satisfies me.
As for the shuffle meme, I'm in trouble. I don't---and I swear this solemnly---own an iPod. So I'll have to figure something out in the next couple of days.

bikemonkey said...

you have a sick brilliance AM, bravo!

and are you sure this wasn't entirely fabricated around "wankee"!

Anonymous said...

Nice work AM!!

I've ALWAYS liked, admired and respected The Rocket as one of the best ever, no matter WHO he pitched for.

But alas, the past year has tarnished said glow.


There was some real hard work and dedication to his dominance, aside from the alleged steroids usage.

You HAVE to be crazed to be at that level of dedication year after year.

Jordan, Bonds, Armstrong.

Few climb that high with or WITHOUT illegal help.

So, let's reserve a BIT of appreciation for such lofty heights that so few ever attain.

The Babe could NEVER have done it without hot dogs and Nookie!!!!

Anonymoustache said...

Thanks. You are on the right track---this was fabricated around Roger the dodger.

As for the second part however, I disagree. Clemens, Bonds etc are overrated punks. I will not reserve any appreciation for them. I am unforgiving on this point---It is my opinion that habitual cheaters are NOT great, no matter how much they achieve by way of statistics.
Also, I respect intimidating pitchers only if they play much of their careers in the NL--where they have to face the music every time out and run the risk of taking a fastball to the chiclets if they misbehave. AL intimidators are cowards who let their teammates take the reprisal shots for them.

Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde said...

Well, given that apparently the shuffle meme is actually impossible for other people to figure out (i.e. the lyrics are so obscure as to make the whole game a bit silly), you can probably skip this one.

Love the thought of the Doc/Rocket matchup. Woulda been a brawl, instantly.